oh geee

the phillies have me all sentimental. this is just so perfect and wonderful, and the best way to spend the last few weeks in new jersey with my best friends. this last year on the east coast has had its ups and downs, but i think this phillies series and the time ive spent as of late with els and carolyn, as well as the previous year in 5c with michael, lizz, etc... man, its just too perfect. i'll miss you all, but have these great memories of the easy and simple times we spent together. and i'll have them forever. i know sometimes things got rough and came to a head this year, but i'm so glad they did and i feel more confident in this group than ever before. we're going to make it after all, us and mary tyler.

i'm trying so hard lately to be more considerate and less judgmental. and to try to think of others before myself. i think i'm honestly making strides. it's a slow but rewarding process.

on a lighter note, can't WAIT for in-n-out with some of the bestest people i've ever met. and mike, too.

I love drunken 130 am facebook chats with French people

1:36am Julien:
Phillies are very good these time! I am not looking a lot of baseball game but i still keeep an eyes on these guys because you are a big fan!
1:37am Shaunna
haha... we're going to win!
1:38am Julien
ok we talk again another time i will go sleep...a+

Thank you, Julien Thibeault. Best random facebook chat message EVER.

Sitting in an English garden, waiting for the sun.

"She would have liked to tell them that behind Communism, Fascism, behind all occupations and invasions lurks a more basic, pervasive evil and that the image of that evil was a parade of people marching by with raised fists and shouting identical syllables in unison. But she knew she would never be able to make them understand. Embarassed, she changed the subject"- Kundera.

How beautiful you are, Sabina! Seeing that the danger isn't necessarily in the ideals or the regimes themselves, but in the basic human tendency to latch onto ideas and slogans with fervor, and give up individual thought and reason for the mob. The mob holds undeniable appeal; as a Philly fan who shouts out 'Fly Eagles Fly' in unison with drunken, maniacal idots on a regular basis I must confess that I too, to a much lesser extent, engage in 'marching by with raised fists and shouting identical syllables in unison." It's when that same Philly sports fan mentality is coupled with economic collapse, years of political discontent, and empty wallets and bellies that the true danger is done.

PS- Today Nick attempted to explain his recent actions towards me. He said "maybe I'm just an asshole; I keep treating you badly without meaning to." Just an asshole, eh? I think that very few people are 'just assholes.' Making asshole decisions is a conscious choice. I realize perfectly well that it is frequently way easier to make the asshole decision than the decision that could potentially lead to you being hurt or vulnerable. But calling youself 'just an asshole' is taking the easy way out, and a pathetic attempt to excuse your actions by giving yourself an unfortuate label. You were not born an asshole, you're just acting like one.

Despite my recent disappointments, I, for one, will keep trying my best to do the right thing in my personal relationships. I vow to hold my tongue and not say hurtful things in the heat of the moment. I vow to keep appointments with dear friends even when it is difficult or time consuming, and stick to them. I vow to 'take the higher road', whatever that means. Basically, I just want to be good. I want to love people. I want to do random nice things for my friends. I want to think of others first. It sets you up for some serious hurt, but in the end I just think its so so worth it.

On the Hudson

I've been at my aunt's house on the Hudson River for the last four days. I needed to take a breather after quitting my job at Houlihan's and enduring a rough week in relationship-land. Her house is magnificent, with windows overlooking the river and the rainbow of fall foliage. We saw a bald eagle, a wolf, and some salamanders. Hey roadtrippers, can I post pictures on this thing without having a paid account? If so, I'll have to do that when I get home. New England in the fall is just amazing. Not that I regret moving to LA in 3 weeks. Fall is gorgeous when the leaves change, but when they fall and everything dies, so does the appeal for me. I don't like the eerieness and the sadness and the bitterness that permeates this area in the winter. I'll take constant sunshine anyday.

I started reading "The Unbearable Lightness of Being." This is the perfect setting for this kind of book. And I'm loving it. Okay, time for dinner. And then baseball. Go Phillies.

Today was a hard day. Too hard to currently blog about. But I do want to post D'Angelo Barksdale's thoughts on "Gatsby", since I finished it today.

"The past is always with us. Where we come from, what we go through, how we go through it; all this shit matters. Like at the end of the book, ya' know, boats and tides and all. It's like you can change up, right, you can say your somebody new, you can give yourself a whole new story. But, what came first is who you really are and what happened before is what really happened. It don't matter that some fool say he different 'cause the things that make you different is what you really do, what you really go through. Like, ya' know, all those books in his library. He frontin' with all them books, but if you pull one down off the shelf, none of the pages have ever been opened. He got all them books, and he hasn't read nearly one of them. Gatsby, he was who he was, and he did what he did. And 'cause he wasn't willing to get real with the story, that shit caught up to him."

That was an excellent interpretation, D. I'm sorry things had to end the way they did.

A smile.

I've put aside 'Memory Keeper's Daughter', and I'm currently re-reading Gatsby for the first time since high school. Much better the second time through, with some years of city-life and mild heartbreak under my belt. We're not the jazz age, but gin never stopped being the national drink nor sex the national obsession. Reading a book like Gatsby makes it truly evident that people in general really do not change, and our troubles are never unique, no matter how hard we wish them to be.

Psssshhht. How beautiful is this introduction?

'He smiled understandingly- much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced- or seemed to face- the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it has precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey."

In other news, November 5th it is. Hopefully that day will be joyous for me on two fronts- I'm moving to a new life and a new career, and I'll have the knowledge that Barack Obama will be our next president. I'll grin from ear to ear with this knowledge; my giddiness will override the discomfort and frusteration that always accompany traveling.

For Paul T- my Houli schedule next week.

Monday-lunch.
Tuesday-lunch
Wednesday- in at 4. You should come for happy hour :)
Thursday- lunch.
Friday- tenative dinner.
Saturday- dinner at 430.

It's almost over. It's almost over. It's almost over...

You can't take a picture of this...

Since I'm feeling sentimental today and just cried again over the "Six Feet Under" series finale, I'm going to post some of my favorite SFU quotes.

"I pray you will be filled with hope as long as you possibly can"- Ruth Fisher to Claire Fisher.

"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone"- Nate Fisher to Claire Fisher

"There's been an accident. The new hearse is totaled. Your father is dead. Your father is dead and my pot roast is ruined" -Ruth Fisher to David Fisher.

"I prefer the term "fuck puppet"- Brenda Chenowith to David Fisher

Nathaniel Sr.: You hang onto your pain like it means something, like it's worth something. Well let me tell 'ya, it's not worth shit. Let it go. [Looking towards ceiling]Infinite possibilities and all he can do is whine.
David: Well what am I supposed to do?
Nathaniel Sr.: What do you think? You can do anything you lucky bastard, you're alive! What's a little pain compared to that?

"I'm just saying you only get one life. There's no god, no rules, no judgments, except for those you accept or create for yourself. And once it's over, it's over. Dreamless sleep forever and ever. So why not be happy while you're here. Really. Why not? "- Nate.